I Had An Abortion & I Don’t Wanna Be "That Girl"
This is not the story I want to be writing. I want to be sharing some brilliant, inspiring piece about female entrepreneurship. This is not how I want to be remembered… and yet it is my story.
I’ve heard so many clients say the same words, but I don’t wanna be “that girl” who airs her dirty laundry out online; that girl who’s all about vulnerability; “That girl” who used to be depressed; “That girl” who was throwing up in the bathroom; “That girl” who was raped and abused… I want to be remembered for my brilliance and my strength.
And I get it, today. For the first time, it feels so real to me… because I really don’t wanna be “that girl”.
“I’ll never get rid of that vision
You, running down the beach,
him, trailing behind.
Me, bathed in sunlight,
Happy, forever,”
WE DON’T DECIDE
Sometimes, we don’t get to decide what stories we tell. Sometimes, Spirit comes in and says, “This needs to be shared and it needs to be shared by you.”
“But why would I talk about this?” My ego asks. “My womb makes me weak. Why should I call attention to something that fundamentally disables me, that might cause someone to think twice about investing in a business run by a woman? Once a month, I bleed. Daily, my hormones affect my mood. On occasion, I get pregnant. I don’t want them to know that I’m not always in control, that I struggle. That life is hard.”
“I am strong. I am capable. Why can’t I share about that?” My ego asked.
Spirit responded with certainty, “This is strength. Now, now is the time. Before millions of mouths are shut. Before female bodies are controlled again by oppressive and overreaching legislature.”
So here I go again.
I’ve made revealing the darkness a huge part of my brand. If you want to learn more about how to do this for yourself and your own work, read Turning Darkness Into Divinity
“I am sharing this, because while this not be the conversation that
I want to have, it is the conversation that womxn are telling
me needs to be had; because the cost of staying in
silent shame is now astronomical.”
HONESTY IS SCARY
I had an abortion. And I was scared to talk about it because I didn’t want my parents to think I was evil; because they want grandchildren and I’m not sure I want to have them.
I’m scared because I’m a leader in the mindfulness community. And in this landscape, people think that all life is sacred. And I want you to know I believe that too.
I’m scared because, oh by the way, according to legislature just signed in the state next to me, The Heartbeat Bill, I could serve a life-sentence for my 8.5 week abortion...
I’m scared because I want you to know how I rationalized this decision, how I prayed and spoke to this life everyday. I want to tell you that at this developmental stage; it is impossible that the fetus inside of me felt pain.
I want to tell you that I have a fundamental right to end any relationship that is parasitic in nature at any stage of that relationship. That I’m vegan and that I don’t want any living being on Earth to suffer.
I want you to know how smart and responsible and capable I am.
NO MORE RATIONALIZING
But you’re not here for my reasoning. You’re here because this topic matters to you, because if you’re a woman, 1-in-3 of you have had this same experience and it hasn’t felt safe to share. You’re here because it is one of the most challenging decisions a woman can face… and nobody fucking talks about it.
From the moment that I saw that + sign pop up, I knew this child was not for me… I was so clear that I was making the “right” decision and it was still the most difficult 8.5 weeks of my life.
FEEL IT TO HEAL IT
So, I just wanna feel with you, today, because I know how hard it is to see legislations circling, to re-remember the fear of feeling trapped in your own body and to be terrified for the future of young women who may legally no longer have this choice.
If you are reading this and have NOT had an intimate brush with unwanted pregnancy, I invite you to LISTEN and try to imagine.
Everyone processes this differently. While my experience was incredible challenging, it was also the most exquisite journeys of devotion. Here’s how it felt to me. When I closed my eyes, I saw the future; I wanted it so badly and, yet, I knew that it it was not right. I am including one of many prayers that I wrote for this being.
For The Undying Ones
It’s been 32 days and 3 hours since I last saw the ocean,
I watched the island disappear.
Your head on my chest
Your nose
That one tiny last glimpse
of a future
a dream
I never thought I wanted the child
that I now hold
a tiny drop
in the bucket of my soul
I’ll never get rid of that vision
You, running down the beach,
him, trailing behind.
Me, bathed in sunlight,
Happy, forever,
And I do mean forever,
in some realm,
in some world,
That was us
and this is now
daydreams and worlds apart
Your head on my chest
rest baby rest
Someday the sun will come,
to guide you back across the shore,
Someday you won’t be a life that once was…
A LIFE FOR A LIFE
I heard womxn say that it was an awful procedure, that it was grotesque and shameful. I did not have this experience. Every step of the way, I was grateful. I walked into the clinic feeling the weight of the world and left with a new life, my life.
REVEALING DARKNESS IS A MAGNET FOR TRUTH
After I shared this publicly in my IG Story, my inbox was slammed with womxn sharing their story; womxn who thanked me for opening up. I am grateful for the privilege and maturity to do so, but there are those in different circumstances. I can only imagine how horrendous this would be for a child who was raped or a woman with an abusive partner.
So, I am sharing this because while this not be the conversation that I want to have, it is the conversation that womxn are telling me needs to be had. Because the cost of staying in silent shame is now astronomical. Because I want the lawmakers, mostly men, who are signing these bills into effect to understand how terrifying it is to be pregnant when you don’t want to be - how I had to leave the state to have the procedure, negotiate with my partner, the time off of work, a lull in my business, the sickness and exhaustion. Reproductive health is massively impactful on the lives of womxn and we’re ready to talk about it.
JUST DO SOMETHING
And maybe this isn’t a conversation you want to have. Perhaps, your story is different. I didn’t write this piece to encourage every woman to come out about abortion. I wrote this to inspire you to tell a story with your life, not the story you want to tell, but the story you need to tell. I want you to be “that girl” or “that womxn” who leads with honesty and vulnerability in business and life. Because though the opposition may be powerful, we are the creators of our future and our legacy. So, show up for something and make sure that something is greater than your ego.
HOW TO SHARE?
If you want to speak up about anything that’s on your heart, I highly recommend it. This is my writing outline that will help you do so while staying in your power and authority. Start writing using the prompts.
What is the problem in the world and what does it feel like TO YOU?
What do people not understand about this issue?
How did you heal through your experience?
What is the healing you experience now? What do you hope is possible for the world?
Answer those questions and you’ll be able to tell a life changing story to anyone.
If you’re interested in supporting the measures above, call local representatives in your state and express your view on abortion, especially if you live in state that is trying to pass the Heartbeat Bill - those states are Missouri, Ohio and Tennessee and have been introduced in Florida, Illinois, Louisiana, Maryland, Minnesota, New York, South Carolina and West Virginia.
Support the ACLU who is suing Ohio for recent legislature, referenced above.
IF YOU WANT SUPPORT
to frame your own entrepreneurial story or the story of your life,
apply to my 1:1 Mentorship.